Children don’t belong to carers?

“Let the child know that they don’t need to belong to only one person or place – it’s OK to belong to their families as well as their carers”

This was a line published in a report this week by the Australian Institute of Family Studies “The Multiple Meanings of Permanency” making commentary on the state of permanency thinking and action in Australia.

Permanency as a concept in Australia is different to that of other jurisdictions around the world that have options of adoption and termination of parental rights.

I read this line first up and was like “hey what?”

Children don’t belong to carers?

But then I thought ‘well hang on Pene, slow ya thinking down, maybe sometimes they ‘belong to both?’

Who decides who any person belongs to? I pushed this around in my head for a bit #analyisshard

Where I landed eventually was - surely it is who the child says they belong to, who they feel they have a sense of belonging with? And I guess this can change over time as the child grows older, searching for their own unique identity? Its a tricky one to talk about and think through I reckon.

I can feel pushed if I hear agency workers referring to kids they are involved with as ‘our kids’.

I can sometimes feel like it with carers too, and other times with carers it melts my heart and springs tears to my eyes because it is healthy. And heartfelt.

(Other times it is creepy and concerning )

I have good friend who is an amazing carer. So I got my head into thinking about her and her ‘foster’ child’s perspective on this.

Let’s call my friend Amy (she sometimes calls herself Amy…but thats a story for another day #iykyk) and let’s call the child Lilly

My question is “What would Lilly say if I asked her who she belonged to?”

I think Lilly would say “I belong to mummy (meaning Amy)” And I think she would also say I belong to ‘dad (foster dad), mum and dad and my brothers and sisters too, including my special sister who lived with us for a bit before she went back home (meaning another foster child who was reunified with her mum)’

Then I reckon this live wire little girl would list off all the people she is naturally connected to - biologically or through her carers - as those she belongs too. There are tons of them, it would take her a while!! #ittakesavillage

And this is the ultimate doncha think

That the loudest voice about who she belongs to, is from Lilly - this sparkly eyed, energetic and sassy little kid - not all the professionals or the big people around her! #voiceofthechild #nothingaboutmewithoutme

Its all about belonging and connection isnt it?

After all, we were all born to belong.

And that looks different for different people.

Who are the final arbiters of who we feel we belong to? Its us of course.